


Ready

by red_thread



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-19 19:34:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3621693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_thread/pseuds/red_thread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lazy summer nights and ice cream filled days were all Tobin and Alex ever knew, but those days are long gone, passing with the years. Now all they have are memories and used-to-be's and each other... But when Alex's career takes off, where does that leave Tobin? Ready or not, things are bound to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One.

Sunsets were always their thing. Arms wrapped around one another, silence enveloping them in a world all their own, but this is no sunset. It is dawn and as the sunrises Tobin can only do so much to stay out of her mind.

She’s in the kitchen when Alex wakes up, listening to the moans and groans of her grumpy lover as she flips the last pancake. She isn’t sure how long it’ll be until Alex is making her way into the kitchen but she waits, like shes always has.

“Babe?”

Rubbing her eyes, hair a mess and feet padding against the hardwood floor of their apartment, Tobin swears she’s never seen something so beautiful.

Alex knows something is wrong, something’s been wrong. It’s been three days since she’s been home, one of her longer stints home, and Tobin’s barely been there for any of it.

“In the kitchen.”

Tobin’s throat is so dry it’s all she manages to croak out before grabbing a glass of orange juice, but then again what else is she supposed to say? She doesn’t have time to think about that when Alex walks into the kitchen. Her heart skips a beat when Alex stops dead in her path.

“You did this for me?”

There’s no teasing or flirting, just a stack of blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs. Alex turns to Tobin, who smiles and nods as modest as ever. Thinking about the last few days, Alex takes this for all its worth, crossing their small kitchen to stand toe to toe with Tobin.

The two have grown shy in a matter of minutes, the weight of their unsaid words finding space between them. It’s when Alex tugs on the hem of Tobin’s shirt, pulling her closer, that Tobin prays this moment lasts forever.

 

It doesn’t. It goes by so quick that Alex is showered and ready to go when Tobin realizes just how much time they’ve left together.

“So, I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?”

Tobin turns, surprised to see Alex watching her. Tobin’s jaw clenches, Alex knows something’s wrong but they’ve been together long enough that really, how couldn’t she? Getting up from the indent she’s made on their couch, Tobin smiles but it falls too short to be real and Alex catches it in a heartbeat.

“Okay what’s going on?”

There’s an urgency in Alex’s voice and it digs into Tobin’s skin the way she wishes she could and be something she’ll never forget.

Tobin’s insides are trembling, letting out a shaky breath is all she can manage but that’s not enough for Alex.

“Tobin.”

She hammers, her voice stern and unmoving. It’s everything Tobin needs to remind herself that this woman in front of her is leaving and planning on coming back and she can’t have that, not anymore.

“You’re leaving.” Tobin starts, but when Alex’s face softens she knows the younger girl doesn’t get it. “You’re leaving and I’m staying.”

“Yeah...and in a few weeks I’ll be back?” Alex is tentative with her words, “What’re you trying to get at here, Tobin?”

“I won’t be here when you come back.”

The last time Tobin felt this scared was when she came out to her parents, but for Alex, she’d do just about anything.

“Okay? Then when do you get back? I’ll just come home then or I’ll meet you up wherever you are.”

“I’ll be here, just not _here_.” Tobin doesn’t know what she has to do for Alex to understand. “For this. I-I can’t. Not anymore.”

The look on Alex’s face hurts more than she thought it would. Alex is staring at Tobin as if she had misheard her, but she heard loud and clear.

“No.” Is all Alex can croak out, her voice wavering when the reality of Tobin’s words set in. “This isn’t fair.” With a step, Alex reaches out but for the first time, Tobin takes a step back. 

 

“Why are you doing this?”

Tears prick Tobin’s eyes the way onions and death and sunsets never could but she has to let go.

“You don’t have to come back. You don’t have to turn down deals or projects just because of me.”

Alex never knew heartbreak felt like this, like she’d lost her spine and suddenly everything weighs her down. Her mind races with things she wants to say, needs to say, to make Tobin stay.

Knees weak and heart heavy, Tobin swallows down the urge to take it all back. She won’t be the anchor that keeps Alex from moving forward. Not anymore. _Close your eyes and breathe_. With a small smile, Tobin manages to say what she’s wanted to say for so long.

“You’re free.”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Tobin.” Alex practically growls, seething with an anger she’s never known. Then again, she’s never known Tobin to be the one who leaves, who runs from her.

“You know none of this means a damn thing to me without you.”

They’re staring at one another and Alex knows Tobin isn’t going to fight for this, when does she?

“Alex, the world’s starting to fall in love with you the way I did a long time ago,” _Why can’t she just--_ “And I’m not going to keep you here. I can’t.”

She gets it, she really does, but Alex can’t even begin to think of letting go of the person she’s loved for most of her life. So she softens, her fight leaving her when Tobin smiles that stupid smile of hers.

“Why are you giving up on me?” Alex’s lips quiver as she asks a question she never thought she’d ever have to ask.

 

“I’d never give up on you.” And for the first time that morning, Tobin finds her voice, but loses it all the same, “You know that.”

“But you’re giving up on us.”

Alex says it more for herself and once she does there’s no going back. Tears stain her cheeks with memories from a lifetime ago and the thought of a life without Tobin.

It’s when the tears fall that Tobin wants to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness. She watches as Alex’s chest heaves in and out and knows she’s broken her in ways she’d promised she never would.

Still, she stays silent.

Moments pass as Alex tries to stop herself from crying, the silence welcoming the sound of her sobs--

And a car horn shattering it to pieces.

 

Alex has to leave.

Tobin watches as Alex freezes, eyes shooting at Tobin, taking in everything she’s leaving behind. There’s panic in her eyes as she scrambles to find something to say, something that will make Tobin change her mind.

Desperately, Alex begs, reaching out one more time.

“You told me you love me.” That’s when Alex’s arms wrap around Tobin’s shoulders, sobbing against everything she’s ever wanted. “I know you love me, Tobs. Why are you leaving me?”

That’s when Alex’s arms wrap around Tobin’s shoulders, sobbing against everything she’s ever wanted.

Tobin doesn’t hug back, but she didn’t run away either.

She lets Alex have this moment knowing that eventually she’s going to let go. She has to. Until then, Tobin decides she will not cry. She made her decision and no matter what she has to stand by what’s best.

When the second horn sounds, Tobin knows it’s time. She takes a step back and with a soft sigh and pleading smile she sets Alex free the only way she knows how.

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

 

As the sun sets, Tobin doesn’t watch her leave.

 ****  


 

 

Tobin knew this day would come. She just didn’t expect to hear about it during lunch surrounded by all their friends.

“Apparently they met at a shoot and it’s been a thing since then. I think she’s really happy.” Sydney gushes, as if Tobin’s wounds weren’t fresh. They shouldn’t be, after almost 7 months, they shouldn’t; but they are, and it stings all the same.

Alex left for a job in the East Coast a few weeks after they broke up, sending a moving crew to take her things from Tobin’s apartment. How fitting, new coast new life.

It’s pathetic, really. Tobin misses her, god, does she miss her, but she has to move on. She just doesn’t know how.

“Good for her, right Tobs?” Kelley smiles, truly oblivious to the pain her friend harbors.

“Yeah.”

It’s weak and laced with sadness and regret and Alex would’ve caught it immediately, but Kelley isn’t Alex--none of them are, so her lies goes unnoticed.

“That’s great for her, I’m glad.”

Inwardly, she begs for forgiveness. Alex deserves nothing than to be happy even if it’s without Tobin and as those filthy lies escape her, Tobin can’t help but repent. Her stomach churns for the rest of lunch, a mixture of everything leaving her in a heap of guilty and nausea. Leaning against the bathroom sink, clinging to anything to keep her from her loneliness.  

_She’s happy--_ and it’s that thought that keeps her from crying.

Closing her eyes, she breathes in all her mistakes and regrets.

 **  
** She’s happy and that's all that matters.


	2. Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Especially on nights like these, where her walls have crumbled and she lay vulnerable to demons in her mind.
> 
> Hand in hand she starts her walk down memory lane.
> 
>  
> 
> These nights don’t happen often but when they do, she welcomes them with open arms. Ready to feel everything all over again.

Lindsey and Kosse spend ten minutes staring at Tobin across the dinner table, wondering what the fuck they were supposed to do.

“Is she always like this?” Kosse mumbles, stabbing her fork into a piece of broccoli.

Exchanging looks between Kosse and a dazed Tobin, Lindsey furrows her eyebrows at the Swed, “Kos, I’ve known her for as long as you have!” The blonde hissed under her breath.

The two quickly fall into an argument that Tobin can’t seem to hear. Instead, she hears the same thing she’s been hearing for months now.

Memories.

_Kelley stops in the middle of her story, closing her locker door to see what stole Tobin’s attention away from her story. Surely enough, when Kelley looks over her shoulder her eyes land on a familiar group of sophomores._

__

_It would be ‘cuz of Morgan. Kelley thinks, looking away from the underclassmen and back at her friend. She pouts, rolling her eyes as she grabs Tobin’s face with one hand and her shoulder with the other getting back the attention that was rightfully hers._

__

_“Dude!” Tobin gasps out, earning the attention of a certain group of sophomores a few lockers down, especially a certain blue eyed sophomore. Too bad Tobin doesn’t notice with her focus solely on Kelley. Wrangling her way out of Kelley’s grip, Tobin smacks the shorter girl’s hand off her shoulder. She’s about to ask her what her issue was but Kelley beats her to the punch._

__

_“She’s single now, you know?” There’s a glint in Kelley’s eyes but it’s the way she knowingly raises her eyebrows that makes Tobin’s eyes go wide. She grabs Kelley’s wrist and pulls her down the hall, oblivious to how Alex’s smile falls when she sees how they walk away together._

“What do you mean this always happens?!” Lindsey’s voice is what snaps Tobin back to reality. “I’m not the one who brought home a puppy without looking to see if it had tags or not!”

Kosse glares at Lindsey, mouth slightly agape, shocked that the blonde had the audacity to bring that up.

“I wasn’t going to keep him!”

“Yeah, sure, you weren’t.”

The three sit in silence for a good few minutes, only the sound of forks scraping against plates filling the air.

“What happened to the dog?” Tobin asks, about to eat the piece of her chicken.

The other girl’s heads shoot up from their respective distractions--Lindsey almost dropping the box of brown rice and Kosse her phone. They stare at Tobin for a few seconds, wondering if she really did speak.

The three spend an inappropriate amount of time just shifting glances between one another before Tobin pops the food into her mouth, asking with a mouth full of chicken, “Seriously, what happened to the dog you stole?”

Lindsey and Kosse take one last glance at one another and bust out laughing.

“Guys, the dog.” Tobin reiterates, watching her roommates laugh over a story that hasn’t even been told yet. She waits, eating another piece of chicken when Maxwell walks into the kitchen. When she hears the pitter patter of his nails against the tiled floor she glances down at the white haired yorkie and--

“Did you steal Maxwell?!”

 ****  
  
  
  
  
  


So, Maxwell wasn’t stolen, just adopted, after they returned the dog Kosse stole.

“It was an accident, okay?” Kosse explained once she’d finally calmed down enough to tell Tobin the story.

For the remainder of dinner Tobin opted out to listen to her friends banter on and on about everything, much like every dinner. She liked them, Lindsey and Kosse, they’ve helped her more than she could’ve ever asked for.

She’d met them a few months ago but with how well they get along it feels like they’ve known each other for years. New faces, new personalities, a breath of fresh air Tobin never knew she needed, so, when talks came up about Tobin rooming with them, she couldn’t say no.

Truthfully, Tobin thinks they’re a Godsend. What with Lindsey’s snarky sense of humor and Kosse’s sass and occasional moments of brainlessness, Tobin barely has a memory without them cracking up.

Which leaves her where she is now, sprawled across her sheets blanketed by the moonlight and darkness that comes with being up through the night.

It’s not good for her, nights like these.

When they first started she tried sleeping through them. Shutting her eyes tight to fight off the entire thing, only to wake up to the hollow feeling she’ll get anyway, asleep or not. The first night she didn’t try to sleep through it she cried for the entire night. Sobs wracking her body, she eventually fell asleep with tears rimming her eyes. After tear filled nights came the nights where she felt nothing. Moonlight seeping into each and every expanse of her tan skin, filling her with an silvery nothingness that lasted the night, fizzing out as the sun reminded her what it was to be born again. She isn’t there yet, being born again, but it gives her all the hope she could need. Especially on nights like these, where her walls have crumbled and she lay vulnerable to demons in her mind.

Hand in hand she starts her walk down memory lane.

_“You really thought Kelley and I were a thing?”_

__

_“Well, yeah.”_

__

_Tobin rolls her head to the side looking at the younger girl laying next to her, it takes everything in her to remember to exhale. Alex is fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt, lips pursed together ever so slightly that their rosy red tint is seeping into her cheeks._

__

_When Alex starts to face Tobin, the girl quickly moves her gaze back to the sky, wondering why it isn’t as blue as her eyes. She can feel those blue eyes run up and down the side of her face and she knows she’s blushing by the sound of her giggle. Bravely, Tobin glances over at the girl._

__

_The look on Alex’s face is everything Tobin’s ever prayed for--lost souls, Mr. Nelson’s back surgery, to find something to believe in. The sight could make her cry if she thought about it too much, so she doesn’t. Instead she smiles, letting it take over her face as she looks back at a blue that’ll never compare._

__

_“What?” Tobin asks, moving her hands behind her head with an bashful smile._

__

_Again, she turns her head to face Alex; she never could look away for too long._

__

_They’re quiet in their shy silence, Alex looking away with a shrug and Tobin furrowing her eyebrows with a curious smile. They nestle into the silence, lying in the unsaid feelings of young love._

__

_The breeze is gentle, moving some of Alex’s hair to fall imperfectly along her face and that’s all it takes for Tobin to realize just how_ perfect _this was._

__

_Alex is tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear when Tobin gets up._

__

_The breeze ghosting by with a whistle and whip faint enough to let its presence be known. The sound of running water trickling on as the creek flows like the blood in her cheeks, Tobin breathes easy._

__

_“Dance with me.”_

__

_This time it’s Alex’s turn to ask what. She’s turning red as her heart swells, spreading a warmth through her chest. “There’s not even any music!” She laughs, looking around to see if she’s missed anything. She hasn’t. So when she looks back at Tobin she can’t help but be delightfully confused._

__

_Patiently, Tobin waits. She watches as Alex’s brows furrow a little deeper, looking around before she caves. Shaking her head, Alex she gets up from their picnic blanket and Tobin’s not sure she’s ever smiled so big._

__

_Holding her hand out, Tobin freezes for a moment as Alex smiles and wraps her arms around the older girl’s neck. Quickly, Tobin sobers. Her hands hovering over Alex’s waist, praying the girl can’t feel her confidence turning into weak knees and trembling hands._

__

_Tobin remembers how to breathe when she feels Alex bury her face into the crook of her neck. The younger girl’s breath washing over the sensitive skin and with an exhale Tobin pulls Alex in closer, wrapping her arms around her waist._

__

_Front to front, the world around them doesn’t exist. All they know are skipping heartbeats and shallow breaths, flushed against one another learning how to be apart of something bigger than themselves._

__

_Alex’s words are as gentle as the breeze, a rasp just enough to let them know that she did say something. “You’re always looking.”_

__

_Tobin wonders if that’s as creepy as it sounds, letting her embarrassment settle, Tobin smiles. She presses her cheek against Alex’s head as she apologizes, it only lasts the length of the four lettered word._

__

_“Sorry.”_

__

_Moving her head from its spot against Tobin’s neck, Alex looks up at the older girl. Her eyes are a breathtaking sight and Tobin almost thinks it’s unfair--almost. It’s when Alex bites her bottom lip to keep from smiling even bigger that Tobin thinks this girl’s existence isn’t fair. Her heart’s fluttering so hard that Tobin wonders if Alex can feel it--_

__

_Looking down Tobin stares at the hand over her heart, then at Alex. She’s never once felt this kind of admiration from someone, the reassuring feeling that someone wants you there. That someone truly loves you and only you._

__

_“Don’t be…” Alex whispers, shaking her head as her focus stays on her hand that feels the fluttering staccato within Tobin’s chest. She thinks it’s beautiful, that she can do this. That their hearts can be so in sync, hammering away in their chests as they try to catch a single breath._

__

_Tobin exhales._

__

_“I like it.” The younger girl looks up at Tobin. Her stomach doing somersaults when her eyes meet the light brown of Tobin’s. “It makes me feel like I’m yours… and I love that.”_

__

_Love._

__

_Tobin freezes, looking into Alex’s eyes and finds something that makes her heart stop all together._

__

_She can’t even wait anymore. Leaning in, Tobin closes her eyes with the image of love in Alex’s eyes forever burned into the backs of her eyelids._

__

_Alex, hand still resting over Tobin’s heart, leans up and meets Tobin’s lips, closing a gap that should’ve been done weeks ago._

__

_Soft breaths, heartbeats, running water, birds chirping---_

__

_In that moment, basking in the sunshine, they found their song._

As the memory slowly dies out, so does Tobin, her breaths evening out with the last seconds of 2AM.

These nights don’t happen often but when they do, she welcomes them with open arms. Ready to feel everything all over again.

 **  
  
  
  
  
  
  
** Life's moving along and so has she.

 

So after two years Tobin groans finding herself struggling to sleep, again.

Only this time it isn’t her fault.

“Kel.” Tobin breathes, tired and ready to hang up if this is another call about Kelley’s newest business venture. “It’s late and I wanna slee--”

“Not even a, hello Kelley! Oh, how I’ve missed my dear friend after moving to Portland. My word, what could she ever want at this hour of nig---”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Come down to LA for the summer!”

Kelley says it so fast that Tobin takes a moment or two to really process it.

“Lauren and Jrue are staying for the summer and it isn’t a worthwhile summer without my favorite butt buddy.”

It’s inevitable really, the way her lips curl into a smile. There’s still an essence of hesitance at the idea of spending the entire summer back in California. The idea is strange and rubs her in all the wrong ways. She left LA and when she did she left all her problems and baggage… but it has been two years, one hell of a two years to be honest.

Being an adult is weird. Living alone is weird. Working is.. well normal, but still, she doesn’t feel like the Tobin that she left behind and it scares the shit out of her because she can’t go back to that. She’s just starting to live again and she won’t let anything take that from he, not again.  

“I’ll give you a few days to think about it, love you Tobs.”

 ****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tugging on the end of her shirt, Tobin wonders if her outfit was really the best for dinner.

“You would bring the cheap stuff.” Lindsey comments, inspecting the bottle.

Tobin also wonders if rooming with Lindsey and Kosse was the best for her summer too. Of course it was.

“Just text us if you need a rescue plan, okay? Text us, like, SOS or something like that.” Kosse says, crossing her arms over her chest as she eyes the wine.

“Like help?” Tobin’s balancing on one foot as she tries to slip on her shoe, it’s her little comment and the scoff that comes from Lindsey that makes Kosse push her over.

“Man Tobs, if you wanted to save money you should’ve just bought ‘em the box wine.” Lindsey says, a look of disgust souring her face.

“Just--give me.”

Snatching it away, Tobin grabs her keys and tells them not to wait up. She’s already late so might as well plan on staying late to make up for lost time, right?

 ****  
  
  


Walking up to the door, Tobin’s got a million and one things running through her mind like, what if it’s awkward or boring or--

“Tobin!”

 

Kelley throws herself at the older girl who barely catches her in time, dropping the wine in exchange.

Kelley pulls away from Tobin as the two look down at the shattered glass and red wine staining the pavement.

“Oops.” Kelley mumbles.

“It was cheap anyway.”

Tobin’s smiling when Kelley laughs like she isn’t surprised.

“‘Course it was.”

Opening the door wider, Kelley face is warm and welcoming. Pulling away from the taller girl, Kelley nods for her to go in and when Tobin sees her friends, hears them shouting her name as they race toward her.

Tobin can’t help but feel like she’s never felt at home like she does now.

“C’mon, they’ve missed you.”

Tobin barely catches what Kelley says before Lauren is wrapping herself around her.

 **  
** “Welcome home.” Kelley breathes, shaking her head at the sight of her friends making a dogpile over the smallest in their group. Of course she jumps to lay on top.


	3. Three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s awkward, whatever this is between them and they both know it. But then again how can it not be. They’re both filled with a similar sadness neither would ever own up to.

Life has warnings.

But when Tobin goes back to Kelley’s apartment, she wonders where hers was.

“Kel!” Tobin calls out against the door. “Kel, dude I”m in a hurry!”

It’s 8 in the morning and Tobin already hates being up so early but waking up someone who’s almost never up at this time makes it even worse.

Still, she has to keep knocking if she wants to get her phone back, and she doesn’t want to. She needs to. So the knocking continues.

“Fucking calm down!”

Tobin feels a little guilty when she can hear Kelley through the door but then remembers why she left her phone--

_“Tob, you had a leak in your apartment, right? In Portland?”_

__

_“Uh, yeah. It was pretty bad.”_

__

_Before Tobin knows it, Kelley’s yanking her out of her chair. Quickly, she sets her phone down on the counter and tries not to fall over._

__

_“Come with.” Is all she says before leading the older girl to the middle of the hallway. “There.” She says as she points to the ceiling._

__

_“Yup.” Tobin says, popping the “p” for emphasis. “That’s def water damage.”_

__

_Kelley rolls her eyes._

__

_“Yeah no shit. How’d you fix it?”_

__

_“Well, first I had a leak and second I moved.”_

__

_Kelley stares at Tobin and the two wait to see who cracks first. It’s only when Tobin sees the panic in Kelley’s eyes that she caves._

__

_“Just kidding. I called a plumber.”_

Her guilt is gone long before she hears the twist of the door knob.

“Wha--Tobin?” Kelley’s initial annoyance shifts into surprise when she sees the brown eyed girl but all too quickly it turns into something else entirely. “What’re you doing here?!”

“I called you like three times on Lindsey’s phone before I came.” Tobin says as she walks into Kelley’s house. “I’m just gonna grab my phone and go.”

So occupied by locating her phone, Tobin doesn’t even notice how Kelley nervously looks around instead of helping.

It’s been a few weeks since she’d come down to LA and Tobin hasn’t felt this confident in a decision in a long time. Morning surf sessions, fish taco tuesdays, late night beach trips, the coffee instagrams, truly she felt like the Californian she really is.

“Got it!” Tobin smirks, grabbing her phone off the kitchen counter.

“Great! You can go now!”

Tobin’s about to ask what the rush is until she remembers that she’s also in a rush, but then something catches her eye.

“You going somewhere?”

She asks in regards to the suitcases next to the couch.

“I, uhm, not really.”

Tobin looks curiously at Kelley. The girl shoves her hands deep into her pockets looking as guilty as it gets and that’s when the cogs start turning. Sadly, Tobin can’t even ask what before it all clicks, pieces put together even before she realizes it. Before she and Kelley hear a shout that’s all too heart stopping familiar.

“Kelley, shut up!”

Kelley’s eyes widen and Tobin’s hearts stops and it’s all the two can do before they hear movement from the guest room. It’s then Tobin bolts for the door, her heart in her throat as she reaches for the door knob---

“Don’t--”

Kelley struggles to yank Tobin back. Pulling with all she has until Tobin’s facing her. The look in her eyes is nothing less of scared and Kelley wishes she could feel bad for her.

Tobin wishes she’ll make it to the lawn before she throws up.

“Seriously, Tobin?”

Kelley can’t though, feel bad for Tobin. She’s tried to for the past few years but Tobin dug this hole and she has to find her way out.

“You can’t always run away from your problems!”

Tobin thinks of running. Then she doesn’t when she realizes she can’t put weight on her shaking knees. She pulls on her arm, trying to yank it out of Kelley’s grasp.

“Kel, you don’t get it I have to go.” Tobin’s voice is hushed and hurried. She pulls her wrist out of Kelley’s grip and turns on her heels.

Her knees aren’t shaking anymore. They’re numb and she’s almost 100% sure she has pit stains but that’s the least of her worries. _You moved on. You moved on. No no no. No. Tobin get things together. Portland. Portland, Tobin_. Tobin’s so consumed by her thoughts she doesn’t even realize Kelley’s followed her to her car. It’s only when the freckled girl shouts at her that she stops thinking for just a second.

“God, why don’t you think of everyone else involved for once instead of just yourself!”

Kelley’s storming up to Tobin. She knows she should take a breath before she says anything she’ll regret. Maybe even check to see if she’d closed her door. Honestly, she should do a lot of things but she’s kept quiet for three years and at the moment all she sees is red.

Tobin hasn’t seen Kelley this upset since college and even then it wasn’t an angry upset like this. This was something entirely new and it was enough to make Tobin take a step back from the charging Kelley O’Hara.

“You always think you know what’s best for everyone but news flash Tob! You don’t!” Kelley’s in her face now. She’s pushing and shoving and Tobin’s taking it because what else is she supposed to do? “You didn’t when you thought moving away from everyone would fix things and you didn’t when it came to Alex!”

And just like that everything froze.

Kelley crossed the line and she knows it.

They stand in an exposing silence and Kelley can’t make out the face Tobin’s making. Damnit Kelley curses, running a hand through her hair. She lets out a heavy sigh through her nose.

She fucked up on that one and by the way Tobin says nothing as she gets into her car, she knows they both know it.

“Tobin, I didn’t--”

“I have to go.”

Maybe this is what it feels like to be kicked in the stomach.

Tobin’s heart feels heavy and she wonders if things could get any worse. Putting her keys into the ignition, she realizes they could and they would.

“Tobin.” Kelley’s voice sounds so defeated.

It makes her feel even more pathetic.

She looks to the hand resting over her rolled down window. She didn’t have enough in her to see the pity in those green eyes.

“She’s here for a wedding.”

_No._

“Her wedding.”

Tobin wonders where her warning was.

\--

New York was good to Alex.

The city was it’s own world. There were lives outside of her own. She wasn’t Alex Morgan. She was just another person trying to get onto the express train. It took a weight off her shoulders knowing that. She was a mystery and so the city.   
  


This new life that Alex had bought was uncharted territory and the secrets it held were as thick as the morning fog on the Hudson. There was so much to learn before leaves turned orange and there was even more to learn once they eventually fell off, it was exhilarating just thinking of it. Truthfully speaking, Alex wishes she could’ve spent more time learning the city that eventually came to know her.

New York was good for Alex.

The buildings were bigger than any of her problems, the beat of life faster than one she’s ever lived. The way things worked in the city made her feel alone and vulnerable. It was everything she needed to start over the right way--bare and raw. It was then she understood the reason why doing something and doing it right was more important than just doing it.

_“You can break an arm and let it heal but if it wasn’t set right then will you be able to use it once it has?”_ Wasn’t written on her first fortune cookie and it wasn’t on her last, but after three years of living near a hospital she’d picked up on a few things. For example, how avoiding a white elephant could be just as bad as confronting it.

“Was that Tobin?”

Alex doesn’t even wait until Kelley’s come back inside. She asks from her spot in the hallway. Arms crossed over her beating heart, praying Kelley doesn’t notice the way she’s shaking as she walks up to the door she left open.

_Of course Alex would go straight for the kill._ Kelley thinks, walking into her apartment. She’s tired and if it were up to her she’d be crawling back to bed. Instead, knowing Alex, she schlumps her way into the kitchen, letting out a tired, “Yeah.”

Alex is slow to follow, but she takes the seat next to Kelley eventually.

This isn’t how breakfast was supposed to go. They were supposed to talk about her plans for her stay in California and how she’s supposed to be getting ready for--

“She knows you’re here.”

Kelley doesn’t even look at her when she says it. She just looks at her coffee.

“She was bound to find out eventually.” Is all Alex can say. Still, she can’t help but think about how that Tobin used to be the first to know where she was, not the last.

“At least now she knows.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Again, Kelley looks into her coffee. Her stares into it so intently that Alex takes a glance at her own cup before shaking her head.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Alex deadpans and Kelley doesn’t even flinch.

“I told her why you’re here.”

“Like I said, she was going to find out one way or another. I’m just glad it was from you and not, like, instagram or some shit.” Sitting back into her chair, Alex pulls her phone out and brings the cup up to her lips.

“I told her it was your wedding.” Kelley’s voice is flat in her approach. It’s enough to set Alex off kilter.  

She’s in a cross between choking and coughing down her coffee. She can also bet there’s new coffee stains on her shirt.

“You did what?”

Her throat burns and her eyes are watering from the near death experience she’d just had, but still.

“I was just--I was-” Kelley presses her hand to her forehead, trying to gather her thoughts. “I was going to say Jen’s wedding but then I said yours and I said it so solemnly that I couldn’t--whatever.”

Kelley’s shaking her head at the whole thing. Grumbling into her coffee as she looks away from Alex.

“This way she knows there’s nothing to come back to.” Kelley mumbles before taking another sip.

Alex knows Kelley only wants to help but she wonders just how much of the girl’s anger is being pointed at Tobin.

“Kelley, it’s been so long. I’m over it and I’m sure she is too.”

Alex is almost 100% sure of herself when she says it.It’s that almost that kills her.

It’s also the look on Kelley’s face, conflicted and--

“Is there anything else you haven’t told me yet?” Alex asks. Her eyebrow raises, seeing if Kelley will take her bait.

She doesn’t.

But Kelley hesitates and it’s enough to raise Alex’s eyebrow. Biting in the inside of her cheek, Kelley knows she can’t tell her that Tobin’s not over it. What good would it do anyway? Alex is doing much better than the other girl anyway.

“No, it’s just--It’s just you know how I hated seeing you the way you were after everything…”

Kelley sets her cup of coffee down and Alex likewise. Her features softening as Kelley continues.

“I just want to make sure that nothing makes you go back to that.”

Reaching over the table, Alex wraps her fingers around Kelley’s hand. She gives it a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m not that Alex anymore, Kel. Tobin can do whatever the hell she wants, I don’t care.” Alex’s eyes are set and she’s looking at Kelley and when the older girl gives her a soft smile Alex knows they’re on the same page.

“Call her.”

“Why?”

Alex gets up from the table just as her phone starts to ring.

“Fix this whole wedding situation. You’re not going to lie to her and I’m not going to either. So call her.”

Alex walks back into Kelley’s guest room, listening to Jen tell her the details for the day. She doesn’t hear much of what Jen is saying. Instead, she hears Tobin’s voice muffled by sleep clogged ears and plastered walls. It makes her clench her fists. Tobin was the one who hurt her. Tobin was the one who ruined everything. So why was she so affected? She wanted to scream. To let Jen know what was happening, but for pete’s sake she was getting married soon and didn’t need anything else on her plate.

_Damnit._

“You’re joking.”

Suddenly, Alex is pulled out of her thoughts. She hears Kelley raise her voice from the kitchen and it sounds off the alarms in her head. She furrows her eyebrows and peeks her head out the door. Immediately, she sees how Kelley is standing in the kitchen. She notes her clenched fists and how tense she is.

“Du--Whatever, Tobin. You do what you have to do.”

Alex watches as Kelley slams her palm against the table. At this point she doesn’t even know if Jen is still on the other end. All she does know is Kelley’s upset.

“Hey Jen?”

“So the plan--uh, yeah?”

“I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Just like that Alex hung up.

Heading to the kitchen she has her assumptions but she keeps them to herself. Choosing to stay silent, she walks around Kelley so that she’s leaning against the sink. Patiently, she waits for the older girl to start.

“She’s going to Portland.”

\--

It’s been a two days since Tobin’s been back in Portland and in hindsight she should’ve told Kelley she was leaving beforehand. Ever since their breakup, Kelley has always been by Alex’s side. It was good to know that Alex had someone to rely on during those days. It made Kelley’s occasional iciness toward her worth it.

“Pushing your food around doesn’t count as eating it.”

Tobin looks up from her disheveled plate and meets the eyes of her longtime friend, Allie. The blonde rests her chin on her hand, leaning against the table.

“If it doesn’t taste good you can always get up to make your own breakfast, Tobs.” She laughs.

“Shut up. You know I appreciate this--” Tobin lifts her spoon, watching the contents spill back into the bowl. “Whatever this is...” A look or curious disgust on her face as she looks at her food then to Allie. They laugh as Allie manages to tell her that it’s chia seed pudding. They keep laughing after Tobin asks her why she’s trying to make her into a chia pet.

Eventually they do finish their meal. Well, Allie does at least.

Tobin’s too busy lost in her thoughts and avoiding her pudding to realize that Allie got up to wash the dishes.

“Are you okay?” Allie asks, breaking the comfortable silence they’d settled into. “You’ve been a little off since you got back here the other day Tobs.”

Here. Here as in her and Allie’s old apartment in Portland. Maybe she is running.

It takes Tobin a few seconds to think before she answers. That alone is answer enough for Allie.

“What if you Jose left you?”

“What?” Allie laughs, setting down the soapy bowl in her hands to give Tobin a confused look.

“Just, what if Jose left you instead of staying together? Before you left for Paris, you know?”

Allie still doesn’t get it, but she humors Tobin and nods for her to continue.

“He only leaves because he doesn’t want you to, like, feel… like----He doesn’t want you to feel like you’re stuck. ‘Cuz he’s gone and all.” Tobin looks over to Allie and continues when she gets another nod.

Tobin doesn’t expect it but her throat gets dry. She’s getting choked up and she wishes she wasn’t.

“How would you feel?”

Allie just stares at Tobin.

“Well shit, Tobs.” She sighs, wiping her hands off. “Kinda heavy topic for breakfast, huh?”

Allie leaves the dishes and moves to her seat at the table. She knows about Alex and she knows this is about Alex. But she resolves to answering Tobin’s question the best and most honest way she can.

“I’d have moved on from him.” Allie says with a shrug.

“What if you knew he was the one?”

“Then I wouldn’t have let him go.”

“Really?” Tobin feels crestfallen as flashes of her and Alex’s breakup play before her.

“If I knew he was the one for me then I don’t care how far away he’s going. I’d wait.”

Allie knows that’s not what Tobin wanted to hear but it’s her answer and it gives Tobin something to think about too. Still, she sighs at the sight of her friend. Tobin looks ragged and tired and being entirely honest, Allie doesn’t remember the last time Tobin hasn’t. At least, since she’d moved to Portland. But she knows the answer for that, so she just prays for her.

Reaching across the table, Allie rests her hand on top of Tobin’s and waits for the brown eyed girl to look up and meet her gaze. When she does, Allie smiles and gives her an answer she’d like to hear.

“Well, okay Tobs. _If_ I knew he was the one even after we broke up… I’d still move on. Because if he really is the one for me then when the time is right we’ll be together again.”

After a few silent moments and a tight hug, Tobin leaves for work. Opting for a taxi, Tobin ditches her car and gets lost in her thoughts. She hopes her driver isn’t the conversation type because she wouldn’t be able to hear him. Not when her thoughts are this loud.

_Is she really the one? Is Alex--How can she not be the one? Tobin you’ve been in love with her since sophomore year of high school, you know she’s the one._

__

_But can I really base it off of time?_

__

_But how can’t I? It’s been three years and all I do is think about her_.

Tobin knew going back to LA would be hard but she never thought she’d see Alex there. Last she heard the girl was living on the East Coast. Thinking about it though, Tobin knows Alex is a California girl just as much as she is, so of course she’d get…

There’s this pinch Tobin feels in her chest and feels like everything just snapped. That everything that holds her insides together just ripped and sent the organs there falling down onto her gut. She doesn’t know how she hasn’t thrown up yet.

_You moved on. You were supposed to move on._

__

_But how are you supposed to move on from the one? How can you be with someone else when you know the one for you is out there? Why would you settle?_

Sighing, Tobin closes her eyes and lets her head fall back against her seat. She hears her driver shuffle around in his seat a bit but she doesn’t bother to see why.

“We’re five minutes from your street, Miss.” He states.

“Alright, thanks.” Tobin lifts her head from her seat and glances out the windshield to see that they were closer than she thought.

__

_Maybe this is some twisted joke? Maybe Alex is the one for me but I’m not for her._

It’s that thought that haunts her for the entire day.

\--

“Tobin.”

The woman shoots her a curious look before calling for the girl again.

“Tobin.” This time more sternly.

The girl snaps out of her thoughts and turns to face her boss. “Sorry.”

“You’ve been out of it since you came back. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just a lot on my mind.” Tobin clears her throat, letting her eyes scan over the metal name plate that reads Ms. Laure Boulleau. She looks up when she hears the woman laugh.

“How much can be on it when you’re spending your vacation in LA?”

Awkwardly, Tobin laughs along. Shrugging when Laure shakes her head.

“Thank you again for coming back up. This gallery is taking a lot more work than originally planned but you’re doing an excellent job with it.”

Tobin smiles when Laure dismisses her. At least one thing is going right.

\--

“You sure you know all these hidden spots?” Tobin playfully shoves her smaller friend.

The girl gapes, shoving Tobin but barely moving her. “I’ll have you know I have the best connection to all the lowkey spots.”

“Okay, Mana. Whatever you say.” Tobin laughs. “We should hurry up though, I think Allie is waiting for us at the dinner place.”

The two walk silently along the marketplace sidewalk. The quiet gives Tobin’s mind a reason to wander back to Alex. It’s always the same thing. She’s getting married, not to Tobin. She moved on and Tobin is still floating in this in between tethered to Alex and everything they were and were going to be. It leaves her struggling to let go and move on. But she doesn’t want to let go.

“Tobs!” Allie calls out from the restaurant’s patio. “Mana! You guys hurry up I’m so hungry!”

Tobin and Mana look at one another, sharing a look before laughing at their friend. It’s her last night in Portland and she’s determined to figure things out or at least not let the thought of Alex ruin her night.

It’s almost midnight and Tobin finds herself in the kitchen once again. Dinner was nice, save the part where someone asked Allie and herself how old Mana was. “I’m not their daughter?!” The girl shrieks. But now she’s left pacing the dark room with nothing but the appliance lights shining at her.

“For someone who’s about to go on a 16 hour drive home, you’d think you should be asleep by now.” Allie says, flicking the  lights on.

Tobin flinches, holding her heart. “Warnings, Allie. We talked about this last time!” Tobin says through her deep breaths. The blonde just smirks, moving to the refrigerator.

“We also talked about how you should stop avoiding your problems so we don’t find ourselves here again.” Allie reaches into the appliance and pulls out a pudding cup. “Looks like we both don’t listen.”

“You had normal pudding and you gave me the one with eyes?!” Tobin points at the snack.

“Someone had to eat it.” Allie says with a mischievous smile and a shrug.

“You’re a demon.” Tobin mutters, pulling herself up onto the counter.

Allie walks over to Tobin, pudding in hand with a smug grin. “You’ll miss me though.” She states plainly, leaning against the counter next to her heartbroken friend. She rests her elbow on Tobin’s knee and the two bask in the silence.

“When don’t I?” Tobin asks with a soft laugh. Allie doesn’t say anything. She revels in the honesty and her pudding.

“One more question. For the road.” Tobin adds in that last part for good measure. Allie would’ve answered it never the less. “What do I do?”

Tobin’s never felt this heavy. She’s never wanted to hide more than she does now but she has to go back to LA. Right?

“Stop running.” Allie puts it simply. She takes a spoon of her pudding and lifts it up to Tobin without looking at the girl. Bending over, Tobin struggles a bit before finally reaching the spoon of vanilla goodness. “You tried that and look where you are now. In the same kitchen with me talking about what you should do, again. So, maybe, try a different approach.”

“Such as?”

“Face it head on.”

There’s a silence that follows Allie’s advice and the blonde can’t tell if it’s good or bad. Still, she presses the issue.

“If she moved on then you should try to too. Put on that brave face of yours and if you aren’t okay, at least make it look like you’re okay.”

“Isn’t that basically just lying to myself?”

Allie shrugs, admitting that yeah it is but, “Somewhere down the line you’ll believe it. And when you do is when you start to let it go.” Tobin’s skeptical about the advice but takes it anyway.  

All too soon, the pudding is done and Tobin’s eyes are drooping. She bids the blonde a good night and tries to steal some sleep before her long drive back to LA.

\--

The breeze kisses Alex’s skin the way her memories do and it sends goosebumps all over her. She feels her heart lurch when the pictures in her mind surface. She sighs, shutting her eyes willing away the sight of Tobin’s scared face when she asks for a dance. She shakes her head when she feels the way her gut tingles at the memory of their first kiss and the breeze that enveloped them in their own little world. She loves Tobin and maybe that’ll never change.

But she has. And she knows her worth and Alex can’t lie to herself and say that everything will be fine. It’s been years. Nothing will be fine anytime soon, that she does know.

“Alex, are you just gonna work on your tan or actually help out?!” Kelley calls out from the patio.

Alex pushes the lingering moments of nostalgia to the back of her mind and tries to focus on the now. She’s back in LA, her hometown, and she’s having a barbecue with some of the most important people in her life. That alone is enough to put a smile on her face, or at least it should.

“Oh shut up!” Alex calls out, running over to help Kelley put the three picnic tables together.

“I can’t believe you still have these.” Alex says, brushing her hands off on her jeans when she and Kelley are done.

Standing back trying to make sure everything is aligned, Kelley distractedly answers. “Right? We were missing one so that one’s Tobin’s. Cindy said we can use it since it’s basically collecting dust.” Pointing to the table at the end of the arrangement.

Alex should’ve known why that table looked so familiar. She runs her eyes over the worn wood, mentally chastising herself for not recognizing it. Hesitantly, she walks up to the wooden table and lets her fingertips run over the material. She smiles as memories flood her mind of the afternoon lunches they had in Tobin’s yard that bled into dinner because no one would leave.

“We had some good times here right?” Kelley asks with a look of nostalgia. Alex smiles in response, stopping when her eyes see something all too familiar.

Walking over to the corner of the table, Alex’s eyes never leave the words carved into piece of outdoor furniture. She lets her fingertips trace out the shape of the heart that Tobin carved into her mother’s table. Smirking with a sad look in her eyes when she remembers that night.

_“Tobin stop! Your mom is gonna see it!” Alex panics, swatting at Tobin to put her knife down. The brown eyed girl doesn’t even look up, she just keeps carving away._

__

_“She won’t care.”_

__

_“Bullshit.” Alex hisses through her smile when Mrs. Heath glances over at them. Thankfully she doesn’t notice her daughter and continues to talk to her husband._

__

_It was a hot night and the stars were barely twinkling over the suburban home but Alex didn’t need them. Not when Tobin looks up at her with that glint in her eyes._

__

_“That’s so cheesy.” Kelley states with a frown and a mouth full of barbecue._

__

_Alex grabs Tobin’s hand underneath the table as she smiles at the heart Tobin made. Everything was so new to them. The hand holding, the affection, the reality that they’re actually together. It’s been months but it all feels so new and Alex can’t shake the feeling that it’ll never feel any differently._

__

_“What’re you gonna do next? Write your initials in it?” Kelley elbow bumps Lauren as she laughs at her idea. The teasing is something Alex is actually getting used to. But when Tobin slides her fingers into the spaces between Alex’s it’s like they’d been doing this their entire lives. Nights like these Alex has never felt more at home._

The memory fades and Alex lets the feeling of it linger as she heads back into the house to grab some table cloth and duct tape.

Stepping through the sliding door, Alex asks around for what she needs and Kelley yells from the front of the house that it should be in the cabinets near the kitchen somewhere. The girl laughs at her friend, wondering how she managed to live in this house for her entire life and not know where things are still. Kelley hasn’t changed one bit and when Alex finds the things she needs, she figures Kelley’s childhood home hasn’t changed much either.

Things are running smoothly. Lauren and Jrue are working on food, Lauren in the kitchen and Jrue on the grill. Syd and Dom are out buying drinks and sweets with Pinoe and the rest of the girls like Kristie and Amy are setting up the backyard. With everything going on Alex finds herself with nothing to do.

She looks around before plopping down on the couch. They’d spent most of the morning getting set up that now all she wants to do is take a quick power nap. What she ends up doing instead is eavesdrop on the conversation in the kitchen.

“Is she still coming?” Lauren asks, briefly looking away from the vegetables she’s chopping up to glance at Kelley. The shorter girl shrugs with a defeated sigh.

“I dunno. Last I talked to her was like four days ago.”

A look of confusion crosses Lauren’s face. She puts down the knife and looks at the smaller girl. “You told me you called her.”

“Called who?”

Alex’s ears perk at the sound of Jrue’s voice joining the conversation.

“Tobin.” Lauren hisses under her breath. Surely because she doesn’t want anyone to hear, aka Alex. The blue eyed girl rolls her eyes at the thought, slowly noticing the jittery feeling she’s getting.

“Oh! Tobs said she was like forty five minutes away from LA last I talked to her.”

“You and Tobin talk?” Kelley asks, not even masking the shock in her tone.

Alex can hear Lauren and Jrue laugh at the question before the curly haired woman answers for her husband.

“Sometimes more than she does with me.”

Alex stops listening in on what’s happening in the kitchen when she starts to feel uneasy. Tobin’s going to be at the barbecue today. Easy peasy, right? Alex clenches her jaw but remembers her resolve. She’s a grown woman who is successful and only deserves the best in life. Still, she wishes she could tell herself that wasn’t Tobin.

**  
  
**

 

 

“Psst, Alex.”

“Hey, Alex. Wake up the food’s ready.”

Alex feels someone nudging her before she realizes she actually did fall asleep on the couch.

“You’re lucky Amy and them love you.” Kelley says, crossing her arms over her chest as she smiles at her best friend. “They kept telling me to leave you alone so you could sleep.”

Blinking the sleep out of her squinting eyes, Alex smiles gratefully. She takes Kelley’s hand and lets the girl help her up. Kelley tells her the foods been ready for a little but that it was fresh none the less. She yells for her to just grab a seat but Alex ignores her, they’ve done this for years now, she knows how it works.

She smiles at Jrue, who’s finishing up the first round of grilling, and he laughs at her sleepy expression. “The hot dogs and ribs are over there.” He nods to the picnic tables everyone’s already at. “I’m finishing up the steaks and stuff.”

Alex nods, she’s thanking him when Kelley runs through the back door with a familiar face in tow.

“Guess who decided to finally show!” Kelley yells. No matter how upset she could be with Tobin about what happened with Alex, nothing could make her forget that they were still best friends.

Tobin looks utterly exhausted but she smiles none the less.

Alex feels the wind knocked out of her and looks away from the older girl, focusing on getting her food. _You moved on. You’re the bigger person._

__**  
  
  
**

“You were supposed to be here earlier!” Lauren smiles, wrapping her arms around the slender girl. Tobin smiles, telling her how she had to go home and change first before she came over.

“I just had Lindsey drive me over.” The brunette laughs. “After that drive I wasn’t about to drive here too.”

The girls laugh as they come over to greet their friend. Once they all went back to their seats Tobin hears Jrue call her over and she smiles at her friend. She’s about to call out to him when her eyes land on Alex.

She knows Allie said to face her problems head on but that didn’t make it any easier. She can feel her heart race and her palms sweat. Head on. Face it head on.

Tobin walks over and greets Jrue with their signature handshake. She tells him she’ll be right back when he starts asking her about her time in Portland and needless to say, Jrue lets her go.

The brunnette hasn’t eaten a single thing yet and she already feels like she’s going to puke as she walks up to Alex. The girl is reaching for a hot dog bun when Tobin say hi.

Alex doesn’t answer right away. She’s slow to look at Tobin but when she does, it stings. She looks so.. unaffected. She looks.. good. Like she really has moved on.. and that’s.. great.

“Hey.” Alex says with a small grin. “You, uhm, you made it just in time. The foods still fresh.”

Hearing the deep rasp of Alex’s voice, Tobin figure the girl just woke up from a nap and calls her out on it, hoping it will ease the mountain of tension.

“You just got up, didn’t you?” Tobin laughs, albeit nervously but Alex’s chuckle is no different.

“Yeah, I was pretty beat.”

It’s awkward, whatever this is between them and they both know it. But then again how can it not be. They’re both filled with a similar sadness neither would ever own up to.

_Head first, Tobin. Be happy for her._

“I heard you’re getting married!” Tobin says with the best smile she can conjure up. “Congrats!”

Immediately, Alex remembers what Kelley had misinformed Tobin of and tells the girl the truth. “I’m not getting married.” She says with narrow eyes at the older girl. “Jen is.” Alex does her best to ignore the pinch in her chest when she realizes just how better off Tobin seems to be. She knows if Tobin were getting married, she wouldn’t be able to congratulate her like Tobin just did.

There’s this blank expression on Tobin’s face that quickly turns into panic. She’s frantic when she tries saving herself.

“Oh, uh, well Kell, she--Nevermind.” Tobin nervous laughs, stopping her rambling as she rubs the back of her neck. “Congrats to Jen and congrats to you also, that your sister is getting married.”

Alex thanks her and moves to the picnic tables, avoiding the spot where Tobin made her carving.

 **  
**Things could be worse but it feels like they’re finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and though it’s awkward and uneasy, both girls decide that if the other has moved on they would too.


	4. Breathe In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A swing and a miss.
> 
> (Tobin doesn’t remember the saying hurting this much.)

Growing up, Tobin’s father had this saying that he’d repeat everytime he put his foot in his mouth.

 

“A swing and a miss.”

 

Tobin never truly understood it until she got older.

 

\--

 

Pacing her living room, Tobin’s desperately looking for her key. Her phone is wedged in the crook of her neck, muttering places it could have gone while waits for Kelley to answer.

The line picks up and Tobin doesn’t even wait for Kelley to say something before she asks about her key.

“Hold on, lemme check my backpack! You’re on speaker by the way!” Kelley shouts.

Tobin smirks, glancing over at the clock hanging above the doorway to the kitchen. There was still 45 minutes until she should leave to meet up with Kelley but she can’t leave the apartment if she can’t get back _in_ the apartment--Lindsey and Kosse would have separate business trips on the same weekend.

“Is it in there?” Tobin asks. Kelley’s voice is faint as it travels through their phones. She tells Tobin it isn’t in there but that she was going to take a quick look around. Tobin’s about to thank her when she hears another voice in the background.

“What’re you looking for?”

With Alex back in LA for the time being, Kelley offered her the empty guest room and that fact always manages to slip Tobin’s mind. So when she hears the girl’s voice her jaw tightens.

It’s been a week since the barbecue at Kelley’s parent’s house and Tobin hasn’t seen Alex since. It was tense, to say the least, and Tobin realized she needed to stop staring at her ex when Jrue out of all people gave her a knowing look. But she was doing what Allie told her, she’s facing Alex head on and it’s left her missing the blue eyed woman more than ever.

It might be tense but she’s about to tell Kelley to invite Alex to dinner when Kelley interrupts her.

“Tobin’s key. Lex, have you seen it?”

“Nope. But hey, I gonna go meet up with AJ, so I’ll see you late--actually, don’t wait up!” Alex laughs.

There’s a muffling noise on Kelley’s end and Tobin wishes she never called.

“It’s not here Tob.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you soon.”

 

A swing and a miss.

 

(Tobin doesn’t remember the saying hurting this much.)

\--

“You’re a quarter short.”

“I’m what?”

The coffee machines are hissing and the hussle and bussle of incoming and outgoing customers had cocooned Tobin in her thoughts long enough to bring her to the front of the line but after musing out her order the cashier snaps her out of her reverie.

“You still need 25 cents miss.” The girl states with a look of concern.

In a panic, Tobin breaks out of her reverie and glances back at the line behind her and then back at the cashier. She’s digging through her pockets trying to see if she even has a quarter when a familiar voice surprises her.

“Almost ten years and you still can’t afford a drink.”

Turning her head, Tobin breathes out a laugh of disbelief.

“Christen?”

_It’s been years._

Tobin’s still smiling when the tanned girl laughs at her, handing the cashier a quarter. Christen leads them to a table against the window and Tobin’s still buzzing.

“How have you been?” Christen asks. Her smile is sweet as it’s always been and it never falters as she eagerly waits for Tobin’s response.

“I’ve been alright.” Still recovering from the sudden reunion, Tobin shakes her head with a small laugh. “It’s been what? Did you say ten years?”

Christen nods slowly, letting Tobin bask in her disbelief and awe.

“Man.” Tobin starts. “How’ve you been?”

Taking a sip of her drink, Christen shrugs. She tells Tobin all about her life after high school. How she made a name for herself at Stanford and even got into their pre-med program.Tobin watches as Christen glances out the window before looking at her tea. It’s a sight that brings her back to lazy afternoons and decoding physics problems.

Soon Christen tells her how she left for Sweden the summer before med school and how she never looked back, until now. Because now she’s back--in every sense of the word, back in the U.S., in California, at their old high school, she’s even back on the pitch.

“Undefeated since the start of the season.” She boasts.

Tobin can’t say she isn’t jealous.

“Holy crap.”

Christen tells Tobin how different it is to be on the pitch but not on it. It fills them both with longing of days long gone, pressed against pages in yearbooks no one ever looks back on.

“We have a home game this Friday.” Christen says, pulling her phone out. “You have to be there.” Her voice is exaggerated and Tobin smiles.

“I don’t--”

“Don’t say you’re busy, Tobin Heath.” Christen glares, and Tobin laughs because she’s that transparent. It doesn’t take long for Christen to wear her down and when she does Tobin only rolls her eyes.

“They want to meet the person behind the legend.” Christen says with an exaggerated air of mystery. “Especially since they know I played with you after you brought that trophy home.” Tobin tries to tell her that she won’t show up if that’s what she has to talk about but Christen just shakes her head.

“You, my friend, are the only McGregor Gorilla to have the right to say that you lead a team to five state championships. One of those, as an 8th grader. Be proud of that.” Christen shoots Tobin down the second she looks like she’s about to object. “Hey, seriously, be proud of who you were and what you did.”

_Be proud of who you were._

Tobin _is_ proud. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that even though she’s proud of who she was then, who is she now?

\--

The microwave beeps over the movie and Alex groans, yelling at Kelley to get it.

“You’ve already seen this movie like ten times!” The older girl yells from the kitchen.

Alex snickers at the comment, which wasn’t untrue, but it’s her favorite movie.

When Kelley comes back with two bowls full of popcorn, Alex gives her a confused look.

“What?” Kelley asks, popping some of the snack in her mouth.

“Kel, we can’t finish all this.” Alex says, gesturing to all the candy and popcorn Kelley bought on her way home from work.

Muttering about how ungrateful Alex is, Kelley sets the bowls down and grabs her phone. “I’ll call back up.”

Alex rolls her eyes, knowing exactly who Kelley was calling.

“Tobs!” Kelley smiles into her phone. Quickly the smile fades into a frown. “Oh, sorry. Is Tobin there?---No?----Really? She said McGregor, right?---Oh, okay thank you!”

“Who’d you call?” Alex asks, not entirely sure who Kelley called. “What about McGregor?”

Kelley’s staring at her phone, looking for another contact. “I called Tobin’s apartment phone but one of her roommates answered. Apparently, she’s at McGregor right now.” Bringing her phone up to her ear, Kelley asks Alex if she can call Lauren and Jrue and see if anyone else wants to head over for a game and movie night.

After calling some of their friends, Alex is left wondering why Tobin was at their old high school. She hasn’t seen Tobin in almost two weeks and she’d be lying if she says she hadn’t thought about her. But with how awkward that barbecue was, Alex doesn’t want to relive it.

It was hard seeing Tobin again. After so long Alex didn’t know how’d she would feel -- angry? sad? resentful? -- but when she saw her again, all Alex knew was that.. she missed her. She _misses_ her and she can’t do anything about it because if their short conversation at the barbecue was anything to go by, Tobin has already moved on.

Later that night Alex finds out why Tobin was at McGregor. The news would’ve been easier to take in if it was just that simple. But nothing ever is.

“Yeah, Chen said Christen coaches there now and that she invited Tobin to a game! Dude, small world! Who would’ve thought we’d all come back?” Apparently not Tobin. That’s not fair and Alex knows it’s not. Tobin had her reasons but damn it didn’t mean it stung -- stings -- any less.

Once Kelley settles down again, Alex starts to lose herself in memories of when Christen and Tobin being around one another left a bad taste in her mouth.

_Alex can feel the cup of jello crumple up in her fist as she watches the varsity soccer girls table. So consumed in what she was doing, she almost doesn’t notice Syd trying to pry the empty cup from her fist._

__

_“Lex, what the fuck?” Syd asks, her before looking at whatever Alex was so upset over. “Oh my god.” Syd laughs._

__

_“What?!” Alex asks, the daggers in her eyes moving to Syd now. “Am I not allowed to be upset when Christen’s practically in Tobin’s lap?”_

__

_“You’re such a jealous bitch, do you know that?” Syd smirks. “She’s sitting right next to her, idiot! They’re probably just doing homework or something. You know if Tobin doesn’t bring her grades up she can’t play.”_

__

_“But--”_

__

_“And you guys went out once Lex, don’t get it twisted.”_

__

_But how couldn’t she? Their date was perfect. That night was perfect. Tobin was so cute and charming, she could barely get a word in when Tobin picked her up with all the rambling she was doing. So what if she was a junior? Alex knows she couldn’t be the only one who felt something that night._

__

Snapping out of her thoughts, Alex quickly refocuses when Kelley clutches her arm eyeing the tv with the biggest popcorn filled grin Alex had come to miss in her time away.

\--

Turning over, Alex groans, yanking her blanket over her head. It was cold, and it’s never cold in her room so she knows someone left her door open. Well that and she can hear Kelley and the clanking of a utensil hitting a plate. She tries to ignore Kelley and the grumbling of her stomach but after a few minutes of listening to both, she caves and sits up with a grunt.

“Don’t you look like a miracle on this fine Sunday?”

Alex just grunts at her, beelining for the coffee pot. Watching the steam rise from her cup as she takes a seat across from Kelley. It’s quiet and comfortable with Kelley scrolling through her phone and Alex sipping on her drink. So comfortable, that Alex should’ve seen what was coming next.

“Are you going later?” Kelley asks without looking away from her phone.

_Later_. Oh, right. Lauren had texted them saying that Christen would be joining their lunch.

Taking a sip of coffee before answering, Alex asks, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kelley shrugs, “I dunno? Just asking since the wedding is coming up pretty quick.” Finally looking up from her phone, “Figured you might have a thing with Jen.” She gives Alex a look for how defensive she got but is waved off when Alex apologizes, “M’sorry, just grumpy.”

So maybe Kelley wasn’t wrong.

Later that morning Jen had an emergency meeting about seating arrangements that lasted longer than Alex would’ve hoped. Then there was an accident on the way back to Kelley’s apartment that gave her enough time to plan out her retirement (She’s thinking a cozy cottage in some small beach town in SoCal, maybe she’ll be that one old lady that lets the little kids pet her army of cats. Maybe.), and then of course, the lunch.

“It was crazy, I wish the rest of you guys were there too!” Christen gushed with a smile so big Alex had to hold back the urge to physically recoil. “I swear I thought my girls were going to faint when Tobin offered to do some drills with them.”

Alex wanted nothing more than to order a few more drinks to go along with her sandwich but the last thing she wants to do is be tipsy with Christen raving about how her girls “loved Tobin and want her back ASAP” and Tobin shyly trying to downplay the story -- that plus she’d rather not have her friends think she’s an alcoholic.

“Lex, you okay?” Kelley asks when she notices that Alex has barely touched her salad. To Alex’s dismay Kelley’s voice carries a little louder than she’d like, causing a few eyes land on her.

“Uh, yeah, just kinda tired.” She answers with a sip of her water, hoping the blush she feels on the back of her neck isn’t as noticeable as it feels.. “Jen had me help with seat arrangements and, yeah just really tired. Who knew a wedding could be this stressful?” Some people chuckle at that and Alex smiles, letting out a breathy chuckle of her own.

“Speaking of Jen’s wedding, who’s your lucky date?” Dom asks but his curiosity earns him a panicked glare from Sydney and a few others at the table.

“Oh,” Alex does her best to keep from looking at Tobin on the other end of the table, but when she shrugs she can’t help but see how Tobin’s pushing her food around her plate. “I’m going with friend.”

Completely clueless to the meaning behind Syd’s warning glares, Dom continues with a snicker, “Is it that AJ lad? Really moving up in the ranks, huh? From friend to wedding date isn’t he?”

“Dominic.” Syd says with stern warning. Still unaware of what he had done wrong, he gives Syd a confused look before Alex speaks up.

“No, it’s fine. My family likes him and Jen didn’t want me to go to her wedding without a date so we both thought why not?”

The tension is so thick that you’d have to be an idiot, or Dom, not to realize it. Everyone’s moved their attention back to their food but Alex knows what’s on the forefront of everyone’s mind. She knows it shouldn’t be a problem -- that it’s been too long for it to be a problem -- but Alex can’t rule out the fact that she’s never talked to Tobin about what happened between them and where it leaves them now.

\--

It leaves them here.

It leaves Tobin with a smile on her face and a sharp ache in her chest as she tries to look interested when Alex talks about her date to Jen’s wedding (She knows she can’t be acting this way, especially in her position, but it _hurts_. She’s trying but--god, is it supposed to hurt this bad?).

It leaves Alex watching as Tobin quietly excuses herself from the table with the excuse of needing to make a phone call.

Alex should just leave it be. If Tobin needs to make a phone call then it must be important since the girl left an entire plate of food left behind…

No one is surprised when Alex excuses herself from the table only a few moments after.

\--

It isn’t the small accent that surprises Tobin, it’s the statement.  

 

"If everything turns out as expected, you, my friend, will be rewarded!"

Laure informs Tobin on the projects and how they’re being handled. She didn't think things would go so smoothly but they are and she's more than thankful that she can still do her job right. When Laure ends the call with promises to text her the names of the venues of each possible gallery, she breathes for the first time.

“Everything okay?” A voice startles Tobin from over her shoulder. She knows this voice, she was in love with this voice -- is in love with..? -- and she barely has second to compose herself before she turns around.

Raising her phone up, Tobin explains, “I needed an update on some of my projects and stuff.” Pursing her lips together Tobin nods. “It’s no big deal.”

Alex returns the nod and Tobin takes the chance she’s given and breaks her gaze with Alex to stuff her phone into her pocket.

There are a few beats of silence filling the space between them and it’s so familiar that it almost makes Tobin upset. Almost, because she can’t be upset because this is them now. They’re not Alex and Tobin anymore. They’re not the anniversaries and the late night cuddling they once were. They’re not the silent agreements and surprise kisses. They’re not anything aside from who they are; Alex and Tobin. Two people with nothing but silence masking the memories they were supposed to somehow forget.

And Tobin has no one to thank for all this but herself.

(In her defense she really believed it was for the best.

She doesn’t know what to believe anymore.)

“How are you?” Tobin almost thinks she’s imaging Alex’s inquiry but it’s not until she whips her attention from the flowers spanning the vast garden she’d wandered into to Alex’s curious expression, that she realizes Alex did actually ask.

“I’m good.” Tobin answers immediately and cringes just as fast. It’s a default answer and they both know it. So she tries again. “I mean, I’m-uh-well things are good.” She says with a pathetic nod of her head. So much for trying again.

Quizzically, Tobin eyes Alex’s little smirk and wonders if she actually told a joke instead of stumbling around notecard answers.

It’s the look that Tobin gives Alex that lets her know Tobin’s forgotten who she’s talking to. “After all this time and you still can’t lie for shit.” Alex scoffs, the smirk on her lips rivaling the sadness in her eyes. (It’s a bittersweet statement and she almost regrets making it. But then Tobin smiles and it’s not the smile she’d missed over the past few years but it’s a real smile and suddenly everything hurts.)

Tobin opens her mouth only to close it because of course Alex could see straight through her and, okay maybe that was an easy feat for anyone but Tobin can’t ignore the smile that makes its way onto her face. Alex could always see straight through her.

_C’mon, face this head on._

“Yeah, it’s never been my thing. I guess.” Tobin throws that last part in as an after thought but regrets it once she does because what even? Still, Alex takes it in stride and simply nods with that same small smile on her lips.

“So you went back to McGregor.” Alex tries, hoping Tobin will work with her. “How was that?”

“The girls are fantastic.” Tobin states, with an air of finality that she doesn’t mean.

“Oh.”

“I mean,” Tobin, hoping to salvage whatever this conversation was, throws out, “I wouldn’t say they could’ve beat us back in our day, but they’re aight.”

Alex is taken back by the statement but that doesn’t stop her from the laugh that escapes her lips. “We were pretty good back then, huh?”

Tobin just nods because she doesn’t think she can say anything, not when all she can think about are hot afternoon practices that stretched into cool summer nights and team dinners at her house and serving Alex the perfect cross, and holding Alex’s hand for the first time, and just everything. It sucks her breath still in her lungs and she barely has a chance to breathe before she sees the look on Alex’s face.

The far off nostalgia set in her blue eyes. The small smile that screams at how perfect things were. It all hurts and Tobin wonders if maybe she isn’t the only one hurting still.. After all this time..

She tries not to think about it because she doubts she’ll get an answer that won’t tear her apart.

  
“We should head back.” Alex says, the far off look still in her eyes. It takes her a moment to refocus on right now, right then, but when she does her eyes meet Tobin’s. They share a simple nod before heading back.


End file.
